just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
this will be a night to untag.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
please don't ironically join a cult
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