Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
