I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
