Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
