someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
