I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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