broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
