My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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