You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
