Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
