I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
All I want is dick and wine.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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