I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
