why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
