Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
