You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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