I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
