is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
