I'm jealous of your bromance
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
