we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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