just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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