chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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