I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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