i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
