Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so let's talk penis.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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