Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
