I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
