some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
