Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
