Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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