remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
