He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
