i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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