I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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