My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
