Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
