I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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