I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
