I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
