hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
