I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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