There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
40s are totally the cure
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
