Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
