I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
