If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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