The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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