fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
