I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
