i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
