So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
