New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
time to smoke my breakfast
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
