so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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