For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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